minyen's LifeLog

掏空

someone@lifelogger.com (minyen) — Mon, 24 Mar 2008 12:38:40 PDT

睡不着。

上一次睡不着，是什么时候的事了？

这一次，比较不同。
因为我是清楚知道原因的。
原来
一直以为自己不在乎的，其实还是很在意。

一直不敢碰触的，其实还是在小心呵护。
一直想遗忘的，其实还是不愿记起。

开始需要学习很多本来就属于自己的
都是不自觉的

开始被掏空了

该填吗？
其实还是不敢的。

在午夜时分跨了第一步。
第二步，可能永远都不会到来。
也不错。
起码，掏不空了。

the poetic capriciousness of coincidence

someone@lifelogger.com (minyen) — Mon, 24 Mar 2008 12:35:31 PDT

有些话，我选择相信，是因为相信了它，我感觉会很好。

有些话，我选择相信，是因为它本来就是我的话，只是刚好以极美的形式被别人的笔赋予了生命。
（所以我说，我们的思考真的没什么原创性。）

Milan Kundera的Ugliness: the poetic capriciousness of coincidence就是属于后者。这本来就是我的话，只是我从来没把它这么确切地表达过。

我的脸庞最骇人的时候，其实也是我觉得自己最独特的时候。每天都有不同的谱，每天都像是老天在我的脸上作实验似的。

今天左边脸颊在一般酒窝的位置竖着点两点吧。
明天在右边嘴角上方点一点，这样一来无时无刻都在微笑呢！
后天额中心加一点，就可以当几天印度人了耶。

Poetic capriciousness of coincidence, 多精准的形容啊。

而beauty呢？Kundera说是 the unpoetic average。这听起来真有点酸葡萄的感觉。选择相信它，可以让自我膨胀一段日子。可是把beauty形容成这个模样，实在没什么美感可言。

Poetic capriciousness of coincidence对金牛座来说，是美丽的。如果又把美丽解释成毫无诗意的样子，那么ugliness的美丽不也就被剥夺了？

不行。

我要捍卫丑陋的美丽。

Sad, but safe

someone@lifelogger.com (minyen) — Mon, 24 Mar 2008 12:24:43 PDT

Coined this while chatting with a friend the other day.

Today, I realise that those words actually came straight from my heart. It was my soul speaking to me.

How "being safe" always matters so much to me. I need only to take a brief run down memory lane to discover the truth of that.

Maybe I am a coward.

Is this not my dream? The truth is, I cannot even be sure if this has ever been my dream. I used to want this, badly, because I was dying to run away from my life then.

But I am old enough to know that I cannot assume that I know where I will be at the end of the run.

Unlike dreaming in your sleep, the contents of which is - at least to me - beyond your control, day-dreaming happens because you want to day-dream and you want to feel good.

So, subconsciously may be, day-dreaming is like a rehearsal. A rehearsal of things that have not happened or have in the past taken a different form, but where a part of you wants it to happen, at least at the time the dreaming occurs.

So for weeks, I have been trying to do a bit of rehearsal myself. I cannot say that the result has never been good, but it never made me feel safe. There may be happiness there, but at the expense of making myself emotionally vulnerable.

Maybe a different approach will do the trick. I know tricks. I am good at that.

But still, I know it is simply not safe enough for me.

I used to think that I dare to dream but not to live. But now I know I am even scared to dream. That makes me a chicken. So what. If I am a chicken, I would rather stay a chicken, than to become a chicken who thinks he is a lion.

I just want to be safe. I want to keep myself intact. I want to keep my soul alive. I want to live for myself. There is no way I can be absolutely indifferent if I were to get myself into this. I am too weak for that. That is one of the very few things I know about myself.

I should let go. Somehow, I know the "what-ifs" here are not that big. I am, curiously, not too curious.

For once, I think I will not regret this decision.

After all, it is not my dream.

A dream is not supposed to feel this unsafe.

首选

someone@lifelogger.com (minyen) — Mon, 24 Mar 2008 12:22:43 PDT

你是我们的首选。

印象中，从来没人对我说过这样的话。

几分钟前，我听到了。

就在我说了我不能接受之后。

我应该享受被人说成“首选”的这一刻的。我应该忘情地欢呼，然后感动得不能自己，再马上改变主意，或至少告诉他我会重新考虑。

我没有。我心里的第一反应竟然是：假的吧？怎么这么客气。

我看我老了。我对人的不信任，已经到了一种老练得可怕的地步，这话竟激不起什么涟漪。我可以平静地回应，顺便还丢进了一些像“挣扎”，“难以取舍”，“想了很久”，“没办法”的话，一些客气话，一些会让他相信我对这事是有绝对的热诚的话。

还脸不红气不喘。

还有呢。什么“两头不到岸”，“对不起”你们啦，“蜡烛两头烧”啦。

结果，当然是我赢了。他说，如果是时间上的问题，我们可以配合。

不能？希望下回有机会的时候，可以再联络。

然后，最大的谎言出炉了。我说：我也这么希望。

只有我知道，this is a closure.不会回头了。

很遗憾地，在我找寻自己的当儿，不小心利用了别人给我的机会。

所以至少“谢谢你们给我这机会”，“对不起”和“不好意思”都是发自我内心的。

现在才享受当首选的喜悦，可以吗？

我要相信。不因为什么，只因为从来没人对我这么说过，以后也可能不会有人对我说这话。所以它当然是真的。

我是首选。Yeah!

Everything happens for a reason

someone@lifelogger.com (minyen) — Mon, 24 Mar 2008 12:20:51 PDT

This is something I have always wanted to believe, but I have always doubted it with equal vigour.

By "reason" I do not mean logical reasoning （理由）. I mean grounds, or cause (原因).

I do not want to believe that there is some divine force somewhere having written out the course of my life from the time I was conceived. It is bad enough that I do not get to choose to be born into this world. It really does not help to be told that there already is a "destiny" somewhere out there for me, and it is beyond my control.

But it is beautiful. The talk of "destiny", "fate" and so on. The misty words. I have always loved associating myself with the idea of "intuition". How I like to say things like "follow your heart, it will not disappoint you" to others. Follow your intuition, I always say. And it was about time someone should come and remind me the beauty of intuition when I came across Coelho's description -

"...intuition is really a sudden immersion of the soul into the universal current of life, where the histories of all people are connected, and we are able to know everything, because it's all written there."

I have never quite connected "intuition" with "it's all written there". But he certainly is making sense. The link is obvious. I never thought of it perhaps because consciously or unconsciously, I simply do not believe in God.

As much as I need to believe that I am doing the "right" thing， I hate to think of my decision as anything more, or rather anything less, than "my" decision. To say that there is a "right" or "wrong" in whatever path I am choosing seems to be acknowledging that there is a pre-written script somewhere and if I were to follow the script, I am doing the "right" thing, and vice versa. According to the language of "destiny" and "fate", if I am doing the wrong thing, I probably would have to struggle a bit more in order to reach where I am supposed to be.

But then again, if everything is pre-written, wouldn't the script have included my "wrong" decision-making in it as well? If that is the case, there can never be anything wrong with whatever that I am doing. It is all fate. "It's all written there."

When said in such light, the word "fate" loses its mystique. It sounds passive and exceedingly forgiving.

Nevertheless, the last few months have been amazing. The operating word is "fortuities". I have noticed how things unfold themselves to me. The perfect timing. Even my encounter with the word "fortuities" and the beauty of it themselves are fortuitous. Kundera said that -

"It is wrong... to chide the novel for being fascinated by mysterious coincidence,... but it is right to chide man for being blind to such coincidences in his daily life. For he thereby deprives his life of a dimension of beauty."

It is beautiful. I know that.

I am just scared. Worried. Not confident. I do not know if I deserve the trust. I am afraid of disappointing others. The bright side of all these is that I know I will not disappoint myself. There is nothing that I can disappoint myself with.

Now I know why I hate changes. I am weak. Full stop. But I have gathered enough courage to make the change more than one and a half years ago, so there is no turning back. I have to learn to embrace changes, with enthusiasm, not fear.

Why should I fear? "It's all written there." How can my script be wrong. It is my script. And everything happens for a reason in the script. It is unlikely that I will appreciate the reason instantly. In fact, I may never see it. Yet it is good enough to believe that.

There are too many uncertainties in life. Being a sceptic is necessary, but also agonising in times like this, when I desperately need to draw strength from somewhere.

I need to believe in something. I have suddenly become acutely aware of why people turn to God or Allah. They need to believe in something too, so that they can draw strength from them.

I know I do not need to believe in any such divine force.

I still need to dream.

What I need, is to believe in beauty.

Everything happens for a reason. How beautiful.

It's a road, not a route

someone@lifelogger.com (minyen) — Mon, 24 Mar 2008 12:19:24 PDT

It's a road, not a route.

I need to keep reminding myself.

I need to believe.

Because I need to feel.

Because I need to live.

我真的是首选！！

someone@lifelogger.com (minyen) — Mon, 24 Mar 2008 12:18:07 PDT

爽！

给朋友的信

someone@lifelogger.com (minyen) — Mon, 24 Mar 2008 12:17:21 PDT

You sound so gloomy. :( Not that I am in a very upbeat mood myself, not that I like celebrating my birthday, but to equate birthdays with 'losing time' is not my kind of logic. You don't lose your time because of your birthday. If you want to use the language of 'losing', I'd say you are losing time this very second. I would rather believe that I kept gaining time, and thus far I have been given 26 years and 2 months and 9 days and so on. I can die anytime, since I cannot take life for granted and my kind of logic would tell me that i must not assume that I will still be alive the next second. And I am not interested in catching up. Life is not a race. At least I have decided that mine will not be. And thus I know I won't regret even if I were to drop dead this moment. I still remember a birthday card i received many years ago, which said on its cover that "you have never been as old as you are today", but inside the card it's written "you will never be as young as you are today". See, it's just a matter of perspective. Oh dear, I better stop "philosophising" my rubbish. They are just some rubbish, that I love so much....hahahaha:P

Everything happens for a reason (2)

someone@lifelogger.com (minyen) — Mon, 24 Mar 2008 12:16:18 PDT

I am privileged. I have the rare chance to discover the beauty of fortuities in its fullest form.

Apparently, it was because of a mistake. A mistake which could not be more timely, and the discovery of which is late enough to change my decision, potentially forever.

And they failed to make the linkage. Which perfects the mistake.

I am amazed. I am in awe.

And most of all, I am grateful. I am grateful that I was given the chance to witness the beauty of fortuities. I am grateful that I have the strength within myself to appreciate this beauty on my own, without any compulsion to share any of these with anyone. I am grateful that I do not need to attribute any of these to anyone or some supernatural power.

That beauty alone is giving me enormous strength.

How I could just live for beauty alone.

I am grateful that I am finally learning to feel the world with my heart.

This is, indeed, a world of wonders. By the way, thank you Hickling, for reminding me.

This is the best of time. This is the worst of time.

But Dickens, it really does not matter. The question is not how good or how bad the time is. All that matters is, how beautiful everything is.

And it is beautiful. You just have to believe it. It's in you. You were born to savour the beauty of this world. You will see it, as long as you start feeling, with your heart.

And you shall never be afraid again.

Because everything, absolutely everything happens for a reason.

天堂

someone@lifelogger.com (minyen) — Mon, 24 Mar 2008 12:15:00 PDT

不想写宗教的事，却一直躲不开。

我生长在一个近年来宣布自己为“回教国”的地方。虽然现阶段还是政教分离（把我搞得一头雾水）。

我生长的地方有一套“国家原则”，是1969年种族暴动之后制定的。我从小就背，可是就像小时候就会唱的国歌的歌词一样，我一直都没去想它到底在说些什么。现在再把以前背得滚瓜烂熟这五个原则背出来的时候，才赫然发现我原来第一个原则就没法遵从。

国家的五个原则是这样的：
“信奉上苍，忠于君国，遵从法治，维护宪法，培养德行”

“信奉上苍”。第一个就卡住了。

我不是个无神论者，因为我真的不知道有没有神这回事。可能比较靠近agnostic吧。可是Bertrand Russell为agnostic注入了太多的定义和绝对，所以如果我说我是agnostic，就好像又是在相信一个宗教似的。

那天我看到the guardian报导一份研究报告，说相信地狱的国家人民一般经济会比较好，因为可以减低贪污等等的。

我有时觉得人真的很悲哀。像“贪污”这种事，就算没宗教信仰告诉你是不好的，你自己也应该知道是不太好的。因为只要你的感官系统还完整，你干了这事之后，心里一定会感觉有点不舒服。

可是问题就在这里。我们的感官系统好像真的出了问题。我们依赖法律来告诉我们什么该做什么不该做，有宗教信仰的就再依赖多一个圣经可兰经还是什么的。我们习惯往外看，让外边的力量来主导我们自己的生活。

也没什么不好，只是有点悲哀罢了。因为这就像个恶性循环，久而久之我们就养成了只关注别人要我们知道的事，永远只看到外面的，永远都看不到自己，就连看到的自己也是别人眼里的自己，法律制度下的自己，宗教束缚下的自己。

一大堆外来的价值观。

而我们天真地相信这些外来的价值观跟我们的心灵是契合的。原因无它，因为我们只剩一个躯壳，因为我们从一出生那一刻起就开始被外来的力量告知我们自己的感觉是不可靠的。我们从一个有灵性的小孩，都慢慢长成了空空的一个躯壳。当我们发现心灵的空虚的时候，我们却因为已经失去了感觉自己的能力，而开始依靠这许许多多外来的价值观来填补。

多矛盾。

那天混在几百人里边，听到他们一起同声高唱“On Christ the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand, all other ground is sinking sand"。

我有被诅咒的感觉。可是我不能怪他们。因为这对他们不公平。

我只是很庆幸自己不需要唱这种hymn来肯定自己的存在。
我只是很庆幸自己没有经历过什么波折，让我失去聆听自己的能力。
我只是很庆幸自己彷徨无助的时候，不需要依靠外力去面对。
我只是很庆幸自己被外力逼着看了一大堆乱七八糟的社会新闻，还可以依靠自己的力量去天真地相信一切事物的美好。
我只是很庆幸所有美丽的事情发生的时候，我可以独自贪婪地享受所有的美丽，不需要把功劳留给任何外来的力量。
我只是很庆幸我在这个时候发现了这事。可能晚了点。可至少还是发现了。

我们每个人其实都是天生的乐天派。是外来的力量让我们软弱了。是外来的力量让我们犹豫了。是外来的力量让我们不再拥有享受单纯的快乐的能力。现在，快乐都需要一个理由。

如果必须说出跟我心灵比较契合的信仰，可能还是佛教吧。忘不了不知道从哪一个学佛的人那里听来的：天堂在哪里？天堂就在我们的心里。

我们每一个人的心里都有一个天堂。

我们每一个人的心里都有一个天堂。